I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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