Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
