Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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