Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
