First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
