Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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