and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
