he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
