I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
