Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
