i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
