i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
