Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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