if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You don't make any sense
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