I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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