Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
