Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i drank out of a bidet.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
