Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
