MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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