cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
