Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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