Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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