My friends, they love my intelligence
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
