if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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