Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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