I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
