Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
