omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize