I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
