My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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