I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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