woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize