So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
