I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
