Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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