Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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