Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
