Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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