I'm so fucking centered right now
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
