God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
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