My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
