I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
