We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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