That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
