Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize