So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize