i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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