So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
