how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize