tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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