Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
