i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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