wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
