can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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