Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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