You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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