When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
