can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
