I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
