My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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