The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
