Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
