I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
