she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
